Venus Retrograde Forces a Focus Look
There are times when we sink too much energy into relationships, habits and jobs that no longer serve us in any way. Still, we cling to them by making excuses. At some point, we develop an awareness of a repetitious pattern that flows in a destructive circle. Who we choose to be friends with and connect to can impact our lives more heavily than we imagine. With the recent Blue Moon and many retrograde planets, I found myself in deeper introspection and more willing to discuss personal challenges I’ve dealt with over the past decade. Venus was a bit more pushy, forcing me to really look hard at my relationships and patterns that I’ve perpetuated through the years.
Old Friend Bad Habit
In 2004, I found myself talking to a young woman who’d introduced herself as a flaming republican who wanted to be a soldier. We met in a color and design class during my second year of college. I’d call her a flamboyant chameleon. She had a habit of dressing up according to the environment she was in. If the scene was goth, she’d wear black rubber bangles, put on eyeliner and shop at hot topic. If the scene was ‘proper’ then she’d wear a knee-length dress and if she wanted attention she’d find a short skirt and talk dirty to whatever guy caught her particular interest.
Many people found her unbelievably annoying, but I found her fascinating. I wanted to get to know her, understand why she put so much energy into trying to fit into so many scenes and maybe, I’d make a new friend. Though the years, I attracted what people around here refer to as the “under-dog.”
We were friends for thirteen years. In 2014 that changed dramatically. I never imagined that her personal lifestyle or moral decisions would affect me but after my husband chose to be with another woman and deserted me and my daughter, I did find it difficult to hear her talk about her own affairs. My lack of interest was obvious and I didn’t mind telling her it bothered me. My open expression led to suspicion, a crack formed in her friendly mask.
I received a dose of ‘trial by story.’ Early one morning she said she had an upsetting dream I’d told her husband about her affairs. “Would you really do that?” We’d made a ritual of telling each other our dreams for years and this one clearly illustrated her personal fears to me. “I’ve kept your secrets for a literal decade, but my silence might be more telling. I don’t think I’d directly lie to him but why would he ask me?” The dream, of course, was a complete fabrication, she admitted to me later that she wanted to test me. The situation moved from trial to accusations that I might steal from her or worse. Her fears had spun out of control. The friendship was over. I wouldn’t compromise my integrity and lie just to cover her ass. That choice would be the first among many steps that led to a healthier life.
WATCH OUT FOR VAMPYRES
When I say the word vampyre, I mean that in every sense of that word save for the Holly-Wood image. For the record, I won’t speak ill of all vampyres. I’ve used the variation in spelling here to separate the expected move style image from the read deal. Psychological analysis aside, I’ve encountered individuals who really can drain the living energy out of people. Some of them have conscious control over what was a latent ability and choose to act according to the Black Veil’s codes. Still, there are some who have absolutely no idea about their energetic natures. The unconscious knowledge means they act out of instinct which can be a possible threat. I shared an intimate relationship with a vampyre for nearly three years. He didn’t have a clue what he was. He was often terribly depressed. Later, I discovered he had several issues with co-dependency relating to alcohol and prescription drug abuse. He hid these problems unbelievably well.
Unknowingly, I’d become his personal rehab. He came to me in order to vent, to be away from temptation and to detox. I took on excessive amounts of negative energy and I did so willingly because I wanted him healthy and happy. It was a complete disregard to my own well being. The end of the story concluded unusually well, but it took me years to recover and time for him to discover how to take responsibility for his inner beasts. A major part of my own healing was choosing to break the link between us despite my feelings and then move forward for the sake of spiritual wellness.
LOOK GOOD AND FEEL GOOD
Dress up and feel good. If it makes you feel good to wear a little make-up, dress pretty and go out on the town then do it. It seems harmless enough but what happens when your feel- good attitude and look incites jealousy, insecurity, suspicion, and even anger? It took me a while to feel good about looking good and yes even feeling attractive after being told I wasn’t enough in a four-year marriage. Despite all logic, the hurtful statement managed to punch straight through to my self-image. Gotta work on those defenses.
One morning I got up unusually cheery. I threw my arms around the rising moment and threw on a long skirt with my old belly dancing hip scarf. It always made me feel beautiful. My dark hair was done up in a clip with strands of hair dangling around my face. My favorite beaded pendant dressed my neck. After heading to a local herb and health shop with a friend and returning home, she became distant and seemed upset with me.
Later, I was accused of being “too attractive” and it was said that I must be using ‘woman magic’ to attract men to me and away from the young woman that went out with me that day. Ridiculous! I didn’t realize how put off she’d been when a shopkeep offered me his number. “Ann,” as I’ll choose to call her here, had serious issues relating to other women. She felt like she was in competition with them and suffered from severe confidence issues.
REASONS ROOTED OUT
Many of my relationships were boiling in a pot due to similar circumstances. Trust was broken over and over again. I had not betrayed trust in any form except to myself which is the worst kind of betrayal. I had compromised my own integrity in order to keep others happy, safe, and emotionally supported. When I most needed it, I found myself feeling adrift on a still sea, abandoned by all those I expected to be there for me. Despite the painful experiences, I learned from them. The law of polarity often teaches us what we want by showing us what we don’t want. These were not the kind of people or situations I desired. Like mirrors, they showed me that I had some very bad habits of my own. I’d developed a tendency to desire to fix people, a lack of focus in important areas in my life, a need to pay attention to my own dreams, spiritual wellness and health. It isn’t selfish to take care of your needs and wishes. If someone tells you it is then they most likely have neglected themselves too.
When we find ourselves asking “why does this keeps happening to me?” It is time for introspection, a breath of fresh air and a safe space. My partner recently listened to me talk about these patterns before saying: “Oh, it’s like that song that sings “…use your private parts as piranha bait.” I laughed. The song is about being naive and yes, doing dumb things that lead to what should be an obvious consequence. Either way, he made a dark humorous point. I do realize that life is far more complicated than a song and solutions are not always in clear sight, but the music did make me smile.
There is a personal choice in all things, but not all choices feel like choices. There are times when the flow takes you and life feels like it has spun into complete chaos. Not all consequences can be foreseen. I feel one of my personal flaws is resisting the natural flow of change. Regardless of my tendency to struggle, and all the hard-earned lesson that have come from it, is the wonderful understanding; I can choose to change my story.
Any loss. large or small should be given a moment, a ritual, simple recognition with the conscious attempt to feel and then let it go. What is lost isn’t always obvious. It may feel good to let an abusive relationship go, but the real loss is in the time, energy and even in lost opportunities. Letting go makes room for possibility, for new growth, and joy again in life. It means a new beginning. So in what way might we grieve a loss with something other than tears and rage? I find that ritual and spell craft has been wonderful for the purposes of healing. Symbols speak to the deeper self and allows for healing to strike the core. I recently read the book, Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She discussed Descansos which are the small memorials that mark where a person has died. Most of us have seen them in rural Missouri as white crosses with flowers and pictures on the side of the road. She states, “To make descansos means taking a look at your life and marking where the small deaths, las muertes chicitas, and the big deaths, las muertes grandotas, have taken place.” I think that the marking of these events and the conscious choice to let them go is vital to the soul that yearns to heal.
FORGIVENESS AND BROKEN TRUSTS
When I first saw the image and statement here at the left, I was stunned by the powerful psychological impact. Forgiveness does not mean you let a person harm you over and over again. It does not mean that you forget and it doesn’t mean that damage hasn’t been done. Forgiveness is a peace you find yourself, an ability to let it go but learn from the experience. Forgiveness is being able to see motivations behind a person’s actions but not taking responsibility for the actions of another person. Broken trust can’t always be repaired. There are times in life when we outgrow people and situations and they have to be released from our lives. It is healing to choose to move forward.